What He Wanted
by Kelsey
Summary: When the war is over, Remus doesn't want to go on. Past-SBRL, suicide fic.


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What He Wanted

by

Kelsey

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Disclaimer: Not mine. Belongs to JKR, but she's killing them about as much as I am, so I don't feel so bad.

Summary: When the war is over, Remus doesn't want to go on. Alluded-to SBRL.

Rating: PG-13 for subject matter.

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In the end, Remus holds on only another two years. He holds on for Harry, reminds himself that Sirius, wherever he is, would never forgive him for abandoning the boy while the weight of the world still rested on his shoulders. So, he makes himself available to Harry and holds together the Order as best as he can, but is careful not to let anyone too close, because he doesn't want his death to devastate anybody the way Sirius's did him. And he knows his death is coming, because once Harry no longer needs him, Remus has no reason to remain with the world. His place will be amongst his friends, wherever they are, and he will be happy there again.

He thinks it will be longer-- Harry is fragile, emotionally, and taking another life is not something that the emotionally fragile recover from easily. But when the time comes, Harry is so cold and desperate for a normal life and a chance not to be putting other people's lives in danger that he doesn't flinch, and after it's over, all Remus sees in him is relief.

He starts to make preparations, then. He can't make it look like a suicide-- despite all of his precautions, people care for him and he can't bare to leave them with that kind of pain. So he must make it look like an accident, or at least a situation out of his control. He thinks for weeks, before he comes up with what he wants.

The day before he puts his plan into action, Remus goes to see Harry and his friends where they are enjoying the summer at the Burrow, taking a break before real life starts. Real life that is going to be much less hazardous than it was only a few weeks before. He goes to say goodbye, and also to make sure that Harry really is alright. Because, if the boy needs him, he can put off his plan another few months...

But Harry is laughing and talking and looks more relaxed than he has the entire time Remus has known him. He jokes, smiles and kisses Hermione on the cheek before leaving for a walk with Remus, and while they are on their walk, he chatters happily about his new job over at the Ministry.

Remus finishes the preparations that night.

Snape, having grown complacent over the years, leaves the wolfsbane potion on Remus's desk and apparates out before the werewolf can even open his mouth. Remus tries to be polite, but still harbours a certain amount of resentment about the potions master's involvement in his mate's death, and Snape seems to know. They do their best to ignore each other, now.

Remus pours the wolfsbane down the sink. Then he finds all of the worn clothing in the wash and piles it in a washbin near the machines on the other side of the door to the cellar where he will transform. His own won't do, but there is clothing from many of the Order members still here from a few weeks ago, during the height of the war, and much of it is unwashed. He casts spell after spell until even his ordinary senses can detect the stench of human sweat, blood and tears on the cloth. The spell will wear off before the first person finds him.

Without leaving a letter-- too much like a suicide-- he pulls his clothes from his emaciated body, and leaves them and his wand, neatly placed on top of the folded cloth, on his desk like always. There is no one living with him in the house, so it is safe to walk nude from his office to the cellar.

Closing the door, Remus locks the Muggle bolts and catches. He can't take his wand into the room with him, he would break it while transformed, and he can't do magic without it, so the Order fitted the strong door with magically-enhanced bolts and catches when Remus first started using it for transformations. Snape was invaluable as a spy, and there were more than a few months when that duty came first over making the potion.

They all know the danger of leaving human-scented items near Remus when he's transformed without the potion, but this won't be the first time he's forgotten to remove them. The wolf, crazy with the denied urge to get at the scent on the other side of the door, rips at his own body with no regard for safety. Last time, Remus nearly died.

This time, the scent enhancement charms on powerfully, he knows he will.

The moon rises against the horizon, and he howls in pain as his bones crack and reshape.

It is Tonks that finds him, in the morning. The Order members take turns making sure he made it through the transformation, and it is her turn. She sees no reason to discontinue the ritual just because the war is over-- Remus is in as much danger from himself as he was before.

She is a little worried about him-- he's gotten quiet, even for him, lately, but she never expects what she finds.

The moon is well down when she opens the cellar door with her wand-- but the form on the ground is still lupine. Her heart thuds in her chest as she brandishes her wand, in case it moves, but the form is eerily still. Raising her wand shakily, she whispers the light charm. "_Lumos_."

The other hand goes to her mouth as she gasps in shock. The wolf isn't merely still-- it is covered in blood that has turned the concrete cellar floor a deep shade of scarlet. Its chest is horribly still, and its open eyes are glassy and blank.

A breath huffs from its nostrils, along with a soft spray of blood, and Tonks jumps to its side. The blank eyes blink closed slowly, and there's a shimmer of magic and the wolf starts to turn back.

Bones break and crack, and normally, Remus would be screaming. Tonks knows in her gut that the stillness of the transformation means he is gone.

When the form that lies before her is fully human again, she checks, heart thudding, for any sign of life. There isn't any.

Tonks sinks to the floor, crying softly.

Later, she rouses herself enough to go look into the washbin. Full to the brim with clothes. Her cheeks grow wet again with tears that have only barely just stopped. "Stupid," she mutters. "Stupid, stupid werewolf."

She climbs the stairs heavily, throws a bit of floo powder into the fireplace and lies down to stick her head in. "Dumbledore's office," she says shakily.

There's a swirling sensation and the old headmaster's office coalesces in her vision. Many people expected that Dumbledore, well past a hundred and fifty years old, would live only to see the end of the war and no longer, but there is an ease in the old man's steps, a twinkle in his eyes that Tonks hasn't seen since she was a student there. He will be around a while longer.

His brow furrows, though, as he takes in Tonks's tear-streaked appearance. "Miss Tonks," he greets her. "What's wrong?"

"Remus," she chokes out. "He's-- he's dead."

Dumbledore looks deeply saddened, but not surprised. "I must admit, I was wondering if this would happen."

Tonks's eyes widen. "You knew he might die?" She asks.

The old headmaster fixes her with his piercing gaze. "You do know the extent of Messrs. Lupin and Black's relationship, do you not?"

Tonks nods, not quite seeing where this comes in. She had watched Remus carefully right after Sirius died, but he had seemed determined to go on. Now... why would he die now?

And if he died now, right when the war was over and he wasn't needed anymore... she glances up at the headmaster, shock in her eyes. "Do you mean...?"

"Was the washbin full?"

Tonks nods slowly, understanding. Remus almost died the last time he left it full-- the man was hardly stupid enough to leave it full again.

Dumbledore allows her a moment of merciful silence to pull herself together. When she feels she can, she speaks again. "What-- what do I do now?" She asks.

"Go home," the old wizard says, forcefully. "I'll sort things out."

"And-- Harry?"

"Is not to know the truth. It was an accident."

She nods. The last thing the boy needs to know is that Remus killed himself. Another tear drips down her cheek.

A finger reaches into the fire and tilts her chin up until she is looking at Dumbledore's bright blue eyes, the only barrier between them his characteristic half-moon spectacles. He smiles. "Try not to mourn too much, Nymphadora. It's what he wanted-- to be with Sirius, Lily and James."

She just looks at him for a moment, then nods fiercely. It's what he wanted.

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